Center Of Attention

Everyone says the game starts with the quarterback.  That he is the most important player ‘cause he is THE ONLY ONE who touches the ball on every play.  And that’s why the quarterback is the face of football and why he gets most of the attention.  But, HELLO. I say HELL FUCKIN’ LO.  Everything starts with the center!  Like me.  I touch the ball on every play and, DAMN IT, I touch it BEFORE the quarterback touches it!

Let’s face it, the center isn’t properly appreciated.  We centers are the ultimate hod carriers, JUST DOIN’ OUR FREAKIN’ JOBS AND MAKIN’ SURE EVERY PLAY STARTS OFF RIGHT.  We’re lunch pail guys, the unsung heroes of championship teams.

Think about it.  While the quarterback’s got his hands under my ass, tryin' to remember the freakin' signals, I’m doin’ important stuff, such as pointin’ out defenders to watch out for and shit like that.  I’m pointin’ this way and pointin’ that way.  All that pointin’ really fucks up a defense.  They don’t know what is fuckin’ goin’ to happen next.  Quarterbacks like to point too, but they’re just copyin’ what a good center does already.  WHAT A BUNCHA LOSERS! 

Another important thing I do before the snap is I make sure the ball is dry.  If the ball is wet ‘cause it’s rainin’ or snowin’ ‘n shit, I tell the ref to get a different one.  Wouldn’t want the ball slippin’ out of Mr. Star Quarterback’s prissy little fingers when he was tryin’ to make a handoff or throw a pass.  If he made a mistake like that it might hurt his feelings.  GIMME A FUCKIN’ BREAK!

Also, every once in a while after the play’s called and the line’s set I jerk my head up real sudden as if I’m snappin’ the ball to draw the defensive linemen offside.  I don’t do it too much, just when a penalty will give us a first down.  Sometimes it’s just a flinch.  So's the ref won’t notice.  Just a small movement that you’d barely pick up unless you was a defensive lineman who wanted to get a quick jump, beat a block, and then smash the quarterback to tiny bits.  I’m known around the league as one of the best flinchers the game as ever seen.  Am I proud of that?  FUCKIN’ A.

You know, it’s a war out there for the center.  A fuckin’ war on every play.  Centers don’t get to run down the field like the receivers and away from where all the hittin’ is done.  No, we battle in the trenches each and every time the ball is snapped.  Like when I’m over the ball, the guys on the other side of the line, those big motherfuckers, are spittin’ in my face and tellin’ me their goin’ to cream my ass.  That don’t happen to freakin’ Peyton Manning or Tom “Pretty Boy” Brady.  NO FUCKIN’ WAY.  And if it did, you know what they’d do?  They’d go cryin’ to the ref.  Oh, Mr. Referee, that big man over there spit in my face and called me a dirty name. THEY’RE JUST A COUPLA MAMBY FUCKIN’ PAMBIES!

In the pit known as the line of scrimmage, we centers end up on the ground a lot.  Me myself, well I’ve had my hands stepped on millions of times.  Do you think I complain?  No.  That would be chicken shit.  Centers don’t do that.  We just pick ourselves up and get ready for the next fuckin’ play.  I don’t care if I’m hurt.  I gotta be a good soldier and carry on.  I gotta create a hole for a running back to burst through.  Running backs, they’re another group of fuckin’ prima donnas.  But don’t get me started.  And on passin’ plays, I gotta snap the ball, get erect, and protect the quarterback.  I love that shit too because I got perfect technique.  I back up with my head swiveling left and right like the turret on a fuckin’ tank, lookin’ for someone to hit.  If a linebacker blitzes, BAM, I flatten his fat ass.  And if one of those scrawny safeties tries to shoot the gap, I closeline him with a forearm and then stomp on his crotch before he can get up.  All so’s the quarterback can throw a winning touchdown and get all the good lookin’ girls and make a shitload of money.  WHAT A CROCK!

As you can probably tell, I’m kinda ticked off.  THIS SHIT HAS GONE ON FAR TOO LONG!  It’s gotta change.  I want fans to be wearin’ the jerseys of centers.  I want centers to be interviewed before and after games, bein’ asked all those dumbass questions that the quarterbacks get asked.  I want centers to be drooled over by starlets and underwear models.  I want centers to be doin’ tv commercials and makin’ more freakin’ money than we know what to do with.  And I know how to get everyone's attention to make that happen.

I’m gonna organize all the centers.  And when the quarterback calls for the snap we’re just goin’ to hold onto the fuckin’ ball.  Imagine delay of game penalties one after another!  Nothin’ will happen except the ref steppin’ off the yardage backwards.  Eventually the ref will be tryin’ to figure out what half the distance to the goal line is when the ball is on the eighth of an inch line.  IT’LL FREAK EVERYONE OUT.  Especially the team owners who will be starin’ at the value of their investments goin’ down the toilet.

No, the game starts with centers and everbody better fuckin’ remember that.