Open Letter to the Human Species:
Let me start by saying this: much has been made of the fact that humans have an opposable thumb and monkeys don’t, as if that alone should determine the relative merits of the two species. But I contend there is much that we monkeys, by which broadly speaking I include apes and guerillas, can do that far outpaces humans in many areas of endeavor.
For one, monkeys have strong, brachiated arms that allow us to climb trees and swing effortlessly and joyously from one to another.
You humans have made such a big deal of the Flying Wallendas in their comical tights, but, think about it, every monkey can do what they have done only better.
Monkeys are also fine entertainers. We can make humans laugh very easily, just by curling our lips into a goofy face or by sticking, say, a Savinelli pipe in our mouths and pretending to smoke. When was the last time a human made a monkey laugh? And it’s a fact that each year we make some of the funniest Super Bowl commercials. We are very accomplished mimics too, hence the term “aper,” which is a frequent answer in the prestigious New York Times crossword puzzle.
Monkeys have also made their marks in the movies and television. For instance, monkeys stole the show in Bedtime For Bonzo and Every Which Way But Loose. Reagan and Eastwood were the real extras in those flicks, mere eye candy for the female audience. Furthermore, we could have easily handled the relevant parts in Planet Of The Apes, but unfortunately some lamebrain producer or director decided the monkey roles would be played by humans dressed in monkey outfits. They looked ludicrous, like they were wearing cheap Halloween costumes. Moreover, to top it off they didn’t even bother to hire a monkey coach.
And then there is the case of Tarzan. In that popular series, Johnny Weissmuller, who granted was a fine swimmer, plays the lead role and is always getting in trouble. It is up to the animals in the jungle, generally led by monkeys, to pull his behind out of the fire. He calls his adopted son Boy. Okay. But then he calls his monkey friend Cheeta. How dumb is that? What does he call actual cheetahs? We called him Lunkhead.
In the late 1960s your people created and promoted The Monkees [sic] as a pop rock band, trying I suppose to leverage general monkey popularity. But they were amateur musicians at best and, although they had several “hits,” weren’t good enough to play even weddings in our world. The Beatles were a much better group and, in a nod to our musical talents, incorporated our familiar ooh ooh ooh eeeh eeh eeh aah aah aah lyrics into some of their songs (e.g., I Am The Walrus).
In the world of science, monkeys make excellent subjects. We’ve collaborated with researchers at your finest hospitals and institutions, making important advances in medicine, psychology, sociology, and other fields. We were the first to appreciate the work of Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall, two perspicacious scientists whose seminal studies showed the world how truly advanced we are. Under their watchful eyes, we demonstrated our ability to use tools to find food and do other daily tasks. Initially, instead of awarding them honors, you vilified them. How juvenile and shortsighted.
And, of course, we were pioneers in space travel. Albert, a Rhesus, was the first monkey astronaut and Albert II was the first monkey in space, crossing the Karman outer space line of 100 kilometers twelve years ahead of Soviet Yuri Gagarin. Many brave monkey astronauts were killed in those heady days, just as many monkeys have been harmed egregiously and without warrant in assorted scientific experiments. Have we complained? No. Though we could have sued you guys to kingdom come, and you know it.
Meanwhile, statisticians continue to ruminate about something they call the infinite monkey theorem, which deals with reasoning about infinity. This theorem says that a monkey banging on a typewriter long enough will almost surely through random chance eventually turn out the entire works of William Shakespeare. Apparently a variation of this nonsense dates to the time of Aristotle. Come on. We monkeys have better things to do with our time than to pound randomly on typewriters or spend thousands of years pondering the mysteries of exceedingly vast numbers. Which is the sillier species here?
Now while monkeys can be aggressive, we lash out only when the situation calls for it and confine our actions to the offending party. We were not the ones who invented and used nuclear weapons on their own kind. We have not polluted the environment by burning fossil fuels or by irresponsibly discarding mountains of non-biodegradable waste. We are careful about our nutrition and exercise regularly. We are not a profligate or duplicitous species. And, what’s more, our babies are a lot cuter than yours.
Finally, I draw your attention to John Scopes, the high school biology instructor in that famous evolution case in Tennessee so many years ago, an event which we followed with great interest. Mr. Scopes knew the score and was willing to defy the local school board that, with all due respect, had its head up its you-know-what. We thought the Scopes Trial put an end to the controversy, but as your recent political squabbles attest it still burns fiercely in some ignorant and closed-minded humans. But there’s no denying it, gene for gene we and you are virtually the same. As we monkeys like to say, doesn’t that just put the chocolate on the banana.
So, you humans can talk all you want about the opposable thumb. Just remember that if it weren’t for monkeys you wouldn’t be able to do most of the things you take for granted. We paved the way and discovered through trial and error how to not only survive, but thrive in an often inhospitable world.
Sincerely,
Mr. Chicklet
Executive Director
The Institute of Simian Achievement
