In a transaction that caught the market completely off-guard late yesterday the United Kingdom completed a hostile takeover of the United States of America in a deal involving cash, stock, and rare Beatle memorabilia. The merger makes the former United Kingdom the wealthiest nation on earth with an annual GDP of $11.9 trillion US dollars. The new entity will be called World United and will be headquartered in London. “This is an incredible move,” said market analyst David Smyth of the British firm Smyth and Gill, “and reverses over two hundred years of indignities suffered by England since it lost the colonies in the American Revolution of 1776.” All in all, the acquisition was praised by most pundits who have felt for some time that the U.K. needed to change direction radically and who had viewed the debt-laden U.S. as a prime acquisition target.
At the press conference at 10 Downing Street that announced the pact, U.K. Prime Minister Tony Blair indicated that he would retain his Prime Minister post and assume the title of President as well. He also noted that in the coming months he would spend a fair amount of time touring in the Unites States, meeting staff and looking for organizational efficiencies. For example, according to insiders in the new entity there is likely to be one, integrated Department of Environmental Protection, while the U.S. FBI may be sold to the Pinkerton Security Company.
Alongside Blair was a rather stunned looking George W. Bush, who was heard to whisper repeatedly to Karl Rove, his long time political strategist, “Hey, Karl, this is a joke, right?” Rove did not respond to Bush’s questioning, leading many to believe that he has already secured a spot in the new Blair government. After praising President Bush for his efforts over the last few years, Blair said that Mr. Bush would be leaving office early to spend more time with his family on his Texas ranch.
Blair also pointed out that the U.S. cabinet would be restructured significantly over the next few weeks. This cannot be good news for Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who chided various Europeans for not joining the Coalition of the Willing at the start of the Iraq War and are now viewed unfavorably by key U.K. allies. Rumors began swirling immediately that the two American officials would probably resurface in similar roles working for Abel Pacheco, the President of Costa Rica. Another report suggested that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will retire from government service to pursue a long dreamed of career as a hip hop rapper.
Clearly, the new country will have many advantages. The merger will give British citizens many more sports teams to root for, while Americans will have far greater opportunities to learn how to speak proper English. Economists are quick to add that World United will also have a highly diversified revenue mix, with the U.S. generating large ticket sales of military ordnance and space exploration equipment and the U.K. contributing sizable exports of tweed hunting jackets and Harry Potter novels. Furthermore, with a combined population of 350 million and unfettered access to U.S. territories worldwide, World United is immediately expected to become the leading distributor of scrimshaw pipes.
How the takeover came about will be a fascinating story that will likely unfold over the next few months, if not years. “Sources tell me that the U.K.’s action is the culmination of a closely held plan that began the night that General Cornwallis surrendered his army at Yorktown,” offered Laura Jo Richard, a veteran observer of government mergers and acquisitions. “They apparently have been very patient and confident that their strategy would eventually enable them to gobble up the world’s most powerful nation that, of course, was once the U.K.’s wholly owned subsidiary.”
Starting tomorrow, citizens of both nations will be able to exchange currencies at banks, airports, and other locations. In addition, flags and other signage in the two former sovereignties will be replaced over the next few months with the new World United emblem, which was on display at the briefing. The new design retains the core red and blue colors of the Union Jack and Stars and Stripes, and in a gesture symbolizing this historic pact features a bald eagle striking a familiar Churchillian pose with the stub of a cigar clenched in its beak and wearing a black vest and Bowler hat.
This titanic merger will no doubt put pressure on other frontline countries to find partners and consolidate quickly. For instance, France may unite with Russia to keep pace geopolitically, while Germany may merge with Chile to gain a long sought after foothold in the western hemisphere after previous failed attempts in Argentina and Brazil.
Meanwhile, up next for World United is a possible acquisition of Australia, which would give it a strong position in the all important Asian theater. An aide to Blair who requested anonymity said that this potential merger was necessary for World United to stay competitive in a rapidly changing and globalized world. “China’s economy is growing like a bloody weed and we need to make sure that World United’s interests are well protected and that the Chinese do not flood the market with cheap Princess Di figurines and Burberrys’ knock-offs,” the aide stated.
Lastly, in the hours since the announcement speculation has mounted that several venture capital firms are eager to recruit Bill Clinton out of political retirement to launch a new democracy based on the former United States model. In fact, it has been confirmed that two well known financiers have inquired about large tracts of inexpensive, remnant land in the third world district that has been home to other start-ups. For his part, Mr. Clinton did little to quell the talk when the topic was broached by reporters, saying, “Well, I won’t comment directly, but, you know, they don’t call me ‘The Comeback Kid’ for nothing.”
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