Oh, David isn’t my only son. I have another son, although at times I think I’m going to disown him. Because he’s just impossible. He rolled off the assembly line with all the modern advantages. You know, satellite monitoring system, automatic parking, anti-collision breaking, curve control, you name it. But apparently that wasn’t good enough. I don’t know, maybe he’s spoiled. He’s just so mischievous. And he can’t he can’t keep his trap shut.
Why the other day Mr. Frederick, his owner, was all dressed up going to work and before they even got out of the driveway my son said to Mr. Frederick through the voice activation system, “Who buys your ties, your mother?” Then he said something about Mr. Frederick’s suit being really sharp, if you liked the nineteen thirties. How embarrassing!
Now Mr. Frederick is not the spiffiest dresser, but that’s just being obnoxious. If I've told him once, I’ve told him a million times that he should remain quiet, except when he’s called on for driving directions. Then he should simply enunciate the route in a clear and confident voice and leave it at that. Why he has a wonderful guidance system. It’s the best in class. But no, he’s got to be a wiseacre. One time he nearly caused poor Mr. Frederick to have an accident. The directions called for a turn onto another road at an approaching corner. My dutiful son said calmly Left Turn in 50 feet. Then, as Mr. Frederick was at the corner starting to turn, my son yelled NO, RIGHT TURN, RIGHT TURN!!! Mr. Frederick swerved and almost ran right into a tree. It’s not the way we raised him.
What’s more, last week Mrs. Frederick was driving a group if her friends to the flower show at the convention center. Oh, this is terrible. Mrs. Frederick is very proper, you know. She runs several of the community activities at the church. Anyway, whenever her neighbor Marge, who’s quite a bit overweight, would say something, my son would make a loud, flatulence sound. I could just die. Why does he do these things? Is he ever going to grow up?
And when the Frederick’s children drive he’s merciless. Sarah, their youngest, is sixteen and that can be an awkward time for girls. She’s a new driver and I’m sure she’s trying real hard to be careful. While she’s are on a heavily trafficked main road my son will move her seat back and forth and make it recline as far as it will go. Or, from the lower heating vents, he’ll suddenly shoot hot air up Sarah’s dress causing her to flinch or take her hand of the steering wheel to push her dress down. It’s dangerous. And when I tell him that he just smirks or will mock what I say in a singsong voice. Really I could kill him.
Of course, if Jonathan is driving he doesn’t try to pull that stuff. Jonathan is twenty. But my son can be just as irritating. I know because I hear the stories all the time. Like if Jonathan is out on a date, my son will accelerate just enough when going into a curve to make him and his date lose their balance and practically fall over. Or he’ll mess up Jonathan’s parking by hitting the curb again and again. It’s a mother’s nightmare.
I think he’s being influenced by those muscle cars on the other side of town. They are so juvenile. They’re jacked way up in the air on those huge tires. And they make enough noise to deafen anyone within a mile. What's more, they think they own the road. It drives me crazy to think that he hangs out with that group. Have you seen them? They have decals all over their bodies and don’t have a bit of class. They get right up behind you, flash their high beams, and gun their engines. Couldn’t they just run their vehicle diagnostic reports and show a little courtesy?
I’m considering counseling. Lord knows this situation is beyond my abilities. But where do I take him? I've been trying to get through to the Car Talk guys Click and Clack on NPR, but I really think you need to know someone to reach them. So, if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.
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